I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
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who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.