OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
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My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep