Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
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How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Bread puns are on the rise!
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.