ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
You Might Also Like
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
courtroom exchange of the day
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
The internet is full of many things
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
#oldknees
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.