I’ve had worse
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Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Single and childfree like Jesus
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.