I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
You Might Also Like
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I’m putting together a team
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
The three genders.