Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
You Might Also Like
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened