Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
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Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.