[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
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Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.