WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
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{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
The news in a nutshell.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.