ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
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Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
My ideal weight is five million dollars
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
do u think theres a butter planet?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*