Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
You Might Also Like
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I have two kinds of followers
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…