After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
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RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing