Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
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What kind of a cult is this?
no such thing as a dumb question
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.