Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
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Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
My plans: 2020:
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.