“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
You Might Also Like
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top