There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
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Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.