Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
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*ernest hemingway voice*
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog