Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
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OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.