[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
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friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)