*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
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a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.