In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
You Might Also Like
#merica
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
What’s so funny?
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.