I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
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Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
kitchen magnet
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now