HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
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If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??