“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
You Might Also Like
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.