I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
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I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I missed you with all my darts
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.