*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
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Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.