Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
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me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?