Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
You Might Also Like
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”