[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
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Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.