Golf would be better with landmines.
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This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
the saddest jazz hands ever
yeah 😭
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma