suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
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If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”