Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
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Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
This is Sparta
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…