“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
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Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
why am I working on Labor Day
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!