I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
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“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life