“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
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[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.