Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
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Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
No, I don’t think I will.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
#Caturday
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow