What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
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I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
For those that worship cheese..
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
you stereotypes are all alike
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.