Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
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*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.