I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
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No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
January has been Januweary
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
My biological clock is wheezing.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.