Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
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I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.