Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
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Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”