Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
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[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi