My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
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Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
A roof is a house hat.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
The news in a nutshell.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids