Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.