I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
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My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Y’all know who you are.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
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“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me