[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
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Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety