there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Phones down.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
This classic never gets old . . .
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”