It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
You Might Also Like
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.