[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
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What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
“Why you watching this shit?”
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.